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Speech From the The Throne - 2015
Recited by the Rt. Hon. Taylor Brown in his inaugural throne speech for the 2015 session of Parliament. My dearest Canadians, When we think of Canada what comes to mind? Hockey? Sure. Poutine? Of course. Cold winters? Without a single doubt. But what is the one thing that links all of these together? Each of these are much better off when paired with an ice-cold beer. '' ''It is with this in mind that the CASE party saw its noble beginning. Canadians from coast to coast to coast enjoy beer on a daily basis; beer is not only a beverage, but also a way of life. Unfortunately this fact has been ignored by past administrations. Still today, opposition parties in this country ignore the importance of beer in the lives of Canadians. '' ''Allow me to share a short story from my past. ' As I was handed my first beer, it was a bit scary. Canadians have enjoyed this resource for ages, but would I like it? Would it live up to its hype? I took a sip and as the liquid gold poured into my mouth, my entire destiny changed. No longer would I be ordained to become a lumberjack in the far reaches of Kanata, but I would take my first steps towards ensuring that this sacred beverage would be protected under my watch. That was perhaps the best sixth birthday someone could ever ask for.'' What came next was obscurity. Families – taxed heavily for beer. Children – denied from this critical dietary staple. I spent the next years of my life building a new kind of political movement; a movement that would protect the very substance that makes Canada the true North strong and free. My fellow Canadians, the days of worrying where our next beer will come from are well behind us, for this strong stable national CASE minority government will ensure that the golden brew, along with all of its national significance, are fully protected under our bold new legislation. '' ''The answer we have for Canadians is titled the Alcoholic Action Plan. Drafted by this country’s finest legislative minds, the Alcoholic Action Plan has been brewing for years, pumping ages of research and development to the legislative tap. We are proud to present Canadians with the most significant bill in the history of our nation. Imagine, a plan that would ensure Canada’s alcoholic independence; a plan that would oversee the construction of a Keystone Light pipeline; a plan that will end child unemployment – for good. Canada’s Alcoholic Action Plan is moving Canada forward. In the most recent general election, our party was given a mandate to implement beer driven policy – and that we will proudly do. Still, with this mandate awarded, opposition parties continue their reckless rhetoric that would see Canada return to a state of alcoholic recession. ''Quite simply, our plan is built by Canadians; real Canadians. People whom everyday get up, and crack open a beer to tackle the challenges of everyday life. '' ''Our government will supply good policies on tap, and at no shortage. The first priorities of our newly formed government will be the following: '' * We will quash consumer confusion with the relabeling of all beverages with an alcohol content of 3.9% or less as “soft drinks”;' * We will refocus foreign aid based on the needs of thirstiest;' * We will build and maintain the Keystone Light™ pipeline, brining ice-cold rocky mountain glacier beer to Canadians as well as our international allies;' * We will end child unemployment. Furthermore, this small handed workforce will be equipped with the best tools to keep Canada moving, and to keep pipelines in clean operation;' * To commemorate the losses and hardships suffered during the Temperance Movement, we will erect a Monument to the Victims of Prohibition;' * We will oversee the revitalization of Canada Post by introducing nation-wide vacuum-tube mailing systems – this technology will also be utilized for the transportation of people;' * We will make long-term investments into our communities by establishing the Microbrewery Creation Fund;' * We will crack down on criminals drinking with their dominant hand;' * To study the long term effects of heavy alcohol consumption, we will provide a research grant to Rob Ford.' * Finally, we will put refreshing democracy back into the hands of Canadians. Next time you enjoy a specially-marked Canadian brew – look under the cap – you may be your provinces fresh new Senator.'' ''As Canadians, the path we must take is now a clear choice. Alcohol independence is on the horizon, and not at a moment too soon. Prosperity is not measured by the amount of super models you fit in your rap videos, nor is it by rejecting the outside world and isolating Canada in a stereotype driven wonderland. While pizza is great with beer, one cannot fuel progress on gluten, tomato sauce, and cheese alone. And the only sensible solution we see is the passing of the plan that will give Oktoberfest a run for its money. I now speak directly to all members of parliament whom were sent here by their honourable constituents. Help us strengthen Canada. Join us in providing Canadians with one of our finest resources. Ensure that in all your partisanship, you hear the Canadian people’s outcry for Hops and Hard Liquor. I’d now like to quote one of North America’s most cherished philosophers; Taylor Alison Swift. She asked recently “Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet?” To answer her: Yes. We are out of the woods, we are in the clear. Canada’s Alcoholic Action Plan is our lifeboat from a sinking ship of bad alcoholic management and policy. We are brewing the way to a more refreshing Canada. Before I conclude, I would like to make it as clear as a crisp, golden pilsner that I respect each and every Member of Parliament. That being said, we have all witnessed increased tension between parties. In the spirit of democracy, fraternity, and cooperation, I would like to offer the leader of each opposition party a cold, refreshing Keystone Light to begin our fourteenth Parliament. Thank you all; it is my privilege to govern with you.